Hubs and I went to a baptism today, and oh dear lord the number of kids under the age of 5 were insane! It’s a bit crazy to be around so many pregnant women and families that have just grown with everything going on in our life. To be honest, I was prepared for people to ask us about kids (we’ve been married over a year and been together 11years now), I even had the attitude and my acting down to a tee: “oh no, not yet, we’re still under thirty! We’re still enjoying being newly weds!” Or even, “no, we’re good with it just being us right now.” …. Little pieces dying within me with each phrase spoken. It wouldn’t be so bad if hubs felt comfortable talking to people in our life about IVF with PGD. I at least wouldn’t have to lie. I have no problem talking about what’s happening, but hubs does to an extent. I mean, our closest friends know and close family also know, and my work colleagues know (because I would go crazy without having that extra support), and you fine people of the Internet know, but he’s not ok with the people within his family’s community knowing. I know. Weird. And I have to respect his side of this experience. I don’t care if anyone gets judgy or what- I just won’t include them in my life, but it sucks all the same. Particularly because of my need to talk to others about this experience.
It’s difficult being happy for other people when you yourself are unhappy. And yet simultaneously I am happy. I’m excited about starting our family but I have a hard time putting my sadness and anger to the side to enjoy that happiness. Maybe it will dissipate as we actually get started. At least I hope that it will start getting better or at least feeling better after our first appointment in about two weeks.
For anyone struggling with watching other people’s happiness let me be the first to tell you, you’re not alone and I have to believe we’ll get that some day as well! I mean, people say to me “aren’t you glad you don’t have to deal with that (as a kid is screaming)” and “something to look forward to (eye roll and a chuckle)” referring to a crying baby and I think to myself- you have no idea how badly I want that. Give me the crying baby! I’ll help, I’d love to have the crying baby-let me parent darn it!! I want to be the first time parent trying to figure out how the heck to get MY child to stop crying. God- that hurts, and not being able to say anything about how much that hurts makes it hurt worse. I’m not a weak or timid person for the most part; and feeling as if I’m not allowed to address the painful comments like that puts me in such a difficult place and it sucks. I want to educate people on these issues but that would require me to acknowledge our struggle and in so doing I would break hubs’ privacy. I have to find a way to a happy medium but at this stage if I say something I won’t have a good enough prepared soap box that I’d spill our own situation. Urg!