Tears and anger

Last nights shots were pretty horrible. I don’t know whether it was because of having already had so many injections, or if it was because we tried icing first (might have made it worse- all I know is that it did not help), or if I was just too psyched up about expecting the pain, either way it wasn’t fun and I was angry with hubs because of it. I know it wasn’t his fault, but where else can I displace my anger to? The universe? Damn you universe for making me go through this! I know it’s nobody’s fault. I know that we’re going through this to prevent our kids from being 80-90% chance of having breast or ovarian or prostate cancer. And simultaneously this process is just the worst! Maybe it was more painful because I’m more stressed out right now about it and the state of the world. I called an acupuncture clinic and I’m getting set up with an appointment, so I hope that helps some, but damn I feel like I just can’t catch a break right now. I’m whiny, I’m distressed, I’m bloated, I’m sore, and I’ve begun feeling uncomfortable wearing pants and sitting/standing upright. Literally the only comfortable place for me is laying down in bed not doing anything. I should have taken more days off for next week/the end of this week. For all you people keeping track, yesterday was day 4 of my stim meds (gonalf and Menopur) and they do an average of 8-12 days on it before you do the egg retrieval. In hindsight, I wish I had done the math and taken off from work starting day 6 or so; that way I wouldn’t have to worry about when the retrieval would be while also trying to deal with how I’m feeling. I don’t like being a bloat monster from the black lagoon!!! That’s the other big stress right now. Not knowing when this surgery will be. They tell me at the earliest it will be Monday (today is Wednesday) but it could be any time next week and maybe even into the following week. They also have told me at the last two apts that everything is looking how it should, so that I’m hoping for sooner rather than later. Especially so I don’t have to buy more medication. I run out of gonalf after Sunday, so if they have me do shots after that I will have to purchase more and gonalf was the SUPER expensive one… like it was almost 3k just for about 9 days of it. Whatever. At this point it seems like nothing compared to what else we’re spending. It’s strange being an adult and throwing around such large sums of money. I know how crazy it is and at the same time it’s not anywhere near when we bought the house… speaking of, we have to pay our mortgagebefore it’s  late- better do that today. Ug. Being an adult stinks sometimes.  Going back to the not knowing when the surgery will be thing. Everyone keeps asking me about it- I know they’re trying to be helpful, but dear god please stop asking for information I’ve told you I just don’t have. Hubs keeps asking (and he’s probably the ONLY person I don’t get super pissed about asking all things considered) because he has a work trip he has to go on Tuesday through Thursday of next week (great timing there work!) which he may or may not be able to go to. My Mother-in-law is in TN with her best friend since her friends dog is having surgery tomorrow and she needs to support her (which means if my surgery isn’t until later in the week my person who was going to help me with injections won’t be here… yeah that’s stressful, I don’t know how single moms do it- literally, how would you do a trigger shot in your butt muscle by yourself?! They amaze me those super moms), my own parents keep asking me- mostly because they don’t want me to be recovering by myself in the event of any side effects- the way I view it, I could always call 911.. and work is asking for any updates so they can help me take care of my clients while this is all happening. Ug. I just want to be done with this month so badly. Yes I’m angry. And yes I’m scared and sad. I’m easily pissed off when hubs tries to be encouraging (this morning or last night? he thanked me for doing all of this to “prepare the oven for our baby” and before anyone says anything, that’s just the way we are- so don’t give him a hard time- that’s my job… so anyway in reality he could have just stopped at “thank you for doing all of this” I just couldn’t take the cutesy we’re being all adorable stuff right then. Instead I wanted to punch him in the face. No I’m not preparing the oven, I’m getting ready to lay some f*cking eggs so they can auction them out with a needle! Totally different.) not sure if all ya’ll can tell I’ve gotten pretty moody recently. 

Next steps are two more appointments scheduled. Thursday for blood work and an ultrasound ( speaking of- yesterday’s blood work ALSO hurt like a b*tch. She got it at a bad angle, hurt while it was in, hurt while she took out the blood, and hurt for like an hour after- yesterday was just a hurting day!)….. and then I have another tentative apt on Saturday morning…at 7:40am at the office super far away. That one might not happen though depending on how things look on Thursday. All things depending, they might say “ok we’re ready for the egg retrieval- here’s the day/time that you do the injection.” And then I wouldn’t have to go Saturday morning… or they say, nope you’re not ready yet let’s schedule another few days of shots and another apt and check again then. Roar. Until then I’ll just keep reminding myself its all worth it in the end. We get a ::fingers crossed:: healthy baby with no BRAC genes that is also otherwise healthy. Now I just need to keep managing my stress… one day at a time.

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