Good morning world, it’s beautiful to be alive. I think we often take for granted how amazing it is to wake up every morning.. in case you can’t tell I’m missing some very important people in my life today. They’ll pop up at the strangest times, randomly, and unforgivingly. The sadness and yearning for people you can no longer talk to can be excruciating. Worse yet, are the people who are alive who you can’t talk to anymore because of family and life and world disagreements. I really miss them, all of them, and what’s worse is missing the moments we would have had together. When I go into the clinic today they may tell me that we can schedule the egg retrieval (might even be doing my hcg shot tonight or tomorrow!!) and then we’ll be one step closer to being pregnant and bringing more joy to our family. That also means we’re one step closer to sharing bittersweet news. My father-in-law won’t ever know that he’s a grandfather. None of my grandparents lived past my 14th birthday; they never even knew me (some at all) as an adult, let alone the family I’ve built. Friends who have passed over the years never get to share this moment with me, nor can I with them. Cousins both alive and passed who aren’t in my life can’t smile for our happiness and I won’t be able to hug them or hear their thoughts and advice.
I miss them all and smiling and soldiering on is quite difficult at times. It’s too soon to talk about how much I miss certain people with hubs as they were really his people before they were also mine, and it hurts. I’m scared of needles and this upcoming egg retrieval, but I’m more afraid of the moment we’re pregnant and hubs is in the moment where we’re telling his family and he can’t tell his dad. Talk about pain.
As it stands current since the Daturday appointment, we might be looking at hug tomorrow night and egg hunt on Thursday. But that can change based on what doc says at today’s appointment. We’ll see what happens. All I can do is be present, acknowledge my thoughts and feelings as much as they hurt and are uncomfortable, and see what the next few hours bring.