Embryo transfers and a big F*** You

***cursing rant ahead***

1) we have a date for our embryo transfer- April 10th. We meet in two days to sign consents, then another 1.5 days until my ultrasound to start Lupron again, and then the entire process of estrogen and the progesterone shots and a million appointments and bloodwork in between. My- isn’t a 1.5inch needle with a really painful and uncomfortable shot to the ass twice a day for weeks on end something to look forward to?! Not to mention the hormones that will simulate pregnancy symptoms but not be pregnant. All for babies. Healthy f*cking babies that don’t have the f*cking BRAC2 gene that can kill them, maime them, and/or drastically change their opportunities to have their own families or to have major life changing surgeries. Babies worth waiting and getting poked and prodded and big life moments stolen for to protect and love.

2) my brother and sister-in-law informed us today that they are 7 weeks pregnant- due in October. They also have the BRAC2 gene and opted not to rule it out for their children. They also were recently near areas where the Zika virus has been confirmed. After being told, we went to dinner with them and I had to not let on that my entire f*cking being was on stage trying not to scream and cry and let on how horrendously upset I am- not just that they decided not to take the same path as we did (that is their decision and many people make that choice), and it’s not that I’m not happy for them, it’s that they didn’t give any, I mean ANY F*CKING THOUGHT to how the hell I’d respond to being told that something that I’ve been struggling with and crying about and radically changing my body and my relationships and financial status, and my career, and all of the emotional and a million other craptastic things that go with f*cking IVFR with PGD in order to protect my family and to expand our family AND I ONLY HAVE TWO F*cking EMBRYOS BEFORE HAVING TO START FROM SQUARE ONE, and they didn’t even think that maybe it would be at least a tad difficult for me to be happy?. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled that they get to be parents and I get to be an aunt, but GODDAMNIT couldn’t you be at least a little bit considerate that I’ve been holding on by a thread for months?! Maybe tell me, let me have my freak out (ooooo yeah enter the ugly crying when we got home and the horrible awkwardness with hubs- I’m sorry I can’t support you right now. I can’t even support myself), and then AFTER mybfreak out is done, let me be happy for you. Nope. Just keep on going with our IVF protocol and thinking a big fat F*CK YOU to everyone else in the world having babies that isn’t going through this sh*t.

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