I believe the hardest part that I have dealt with so far has been my mood and trying to stay optimistic. When I look back on all of the difficult and downright terrifying things that we have done to my body over the past months, it isn’t the injections or the surgery, or even talking about this process that is hardest, it really is staying positive. I try to be mindful and live in the moment and not in the future- it’s a key tenant of a number of strategies within the world of mental health. Now let me tell you, it is HARD when it feels like everything around you is crumpling. It’s made worse by the physical and environmental daily life stuff as well- “Oh, you’re pregnant? Congratulations! (death glare and die a little inside)”, tornado/horrible thunderstorm rips through the state and your dog is up barking and crying all night when the night prior you barely got any sleep? Don’t worry self- you can just catch up on sleep tomorrow…. oh wait that’s what you said last night…. (further my exhaustion just a little), you want to eat that thing that’s so amazing? Sorry body, we’re prepping for baby, you need to check yourself (now I’m grumpy), you remember that there’s no guarantee and that it’s only a 30-50% chance of getting pregnant after doing all of these shots if you only transfer 1 embryo .. don’t worry, we have two…. wait a minute, if we transfer two and neither take, we’re back to square one…. Sh*t. It all starts to pile up relatively quickly until you wake up one day and say, “I’m exhausted. I don’t want to be doing this. Leave me alone in a room with cheese and chocolate and wine. And nobody talk to me.” It’s really rather rough if you ask me. Then the therapist in me kicks in and starts trying to have some positive self-talk including “hey- you are going to get a baby! It’s just not on your schedule.” or “hey there, this is a HAPPY thing..” or “it’s all worth it” and then I want to take my positive self-statement coping thoughts and shove them…. yeah. Staying positive is hard. It’s a good thing I have friends that are able to be positive for me right now.
The positive of today is that we got the lab biopsy thing sorted and settled, and yesterday I picked up all of the ingredients and put together a care package for a friend who is also going through all of this… just a little behind my timeline. If I can make this easier for at least one person, I feel like I won’t have suffered needlessly. Hm. We’ll see what happens. I have acupuncture scheduled for next Friday, and I might just call and schedule a massage for Saturday… painted my nails today for some self-care, but man I just feel so blah. I’ll save being positive for my clients. I just don’t have it in me right now.