OK so hubs is in the process of negotiating the terms of a promotion he applied for and received at work (basically a new position within the company he already works for but out of state) and that means that once it is finalized he’s going to have to move out of state to begin this job while I stay in state at my current position e(it makes me SUPREMELY sad that I will eventually have to leave my job and the people there- exactly when that will happen will depend on whether the first attempt at a FET results in a pregnancy or not. If not, we will have to start over and I’ll have to do the egg retrieval and the FET all over again, so months and months later….). Now that’s great news that he has this opportunity, because that means that when I eventually go on maternity leave, we will be able to financially support ourselves without my income. Now don’t get me wrong, I was always raised to be self-sufficient and to not rely only on my spouse, but it feels pretty darn good to know we’ll be able to have me on maternity leave as long as needed. That’s not something most people can say they are able to do for their first kid, and I’m incredibly proud of Hubs for working up the company ladder so to speak and for taking this new endeavor. The bad part is that I am literally going to have to do my Lupron and then Progesterone injections on my own. We’ve tried for the past three nights for me to get the shot ready and to inject it, but I keep getting stuck. I am literally able to prep everything, get the needle out, and then… nothing. I am not able to put the needle in my stomach and Hubs has had to do it for me. There is something wrong about it. I get a visceral reaction and I am literally stopped in my tracks. Hubs asked me yesterday, “What would you do if a client came to you with this issue?” and here’s what I would do:
Step one: psychoeducation about specific phobias and using systematic desensitization and exposure with response prevention paired with relaxation strategies and cognitive reframing to build up to being able to do the injections myself.
Step two: build a fear hierarchy. it might look like small baby steps of doing the prep work, and then stabbing food, like an orange or a chicken breast or something, (we used a grape last night- it was horrible! ok no it wasn’t. It was more that I was imagining the wrong thing- I was imagining stabbing myself and how painful it would be and all of the horrible things that could go wrong rather than focusing on my ability to do the procedure appropriately.)
Step three: watch Hubs do the injection
Step four: pinch skin while Hubs does the injection
Step five: possible hand over hand with Hubs doing the injection while I pinch
Step six: possible hand over hand with Hubs holding my hand while I pinch
Step seven: I do the injection without Hubs
More or less that’s what it would look like if I was building a treatment plan to help a client. As in, I would also be addressing my worry thoughts and using relaxation skills during each stage so that I feel confident in my ability, habituate to my anxiety and fear, and re-learn that I can handle this feared stimulus. ….. God I’m a geek. I’m literally using my logical mind to override my emotional mind because I feel like a failure and I’m still trying to make up for it. It’s not a bad thing- I mean, undergrad cost about $100k and grad school cost about $127k… so I might as well use the training that I paid for, studied for, and spent the past decade of my life working toward, to be able to help me deal with this IVF journey… right? UG. never think your therapist knows the answer to everything. We’re human too.
So that’s the big issue right now. I am trying to move forward with my positivity, I am working on my ability to only be happy and joyful for my pregnant family members (which btw I got to see a clip of the video from their ultrasound- yay for a heartbeat and typical development!!!!) and then I’m trying to find my courage to be able to do my injections independently. I do worry about what the next few weeks are going to be like- especially when Hubs begins working and not coming home. ::grumble grumble out of state stupidity grumble:: and simultaneously, what’s going on is good for us and for our future and our ability to provide for our family. I just wish it wasn’t all happening at once!