Happy early birthday to me, I turn 30 tomorrow! Best gift of all, almost being out of our first trimester and a sharp reduction in morning sickness over the past few weeks. Still getting some from time to time, but otherwise I’m doing so much better. The worst part? I still don’t sleep well- as in I honestly don’t remember the last time I got a full nights sleep, and I still get weird dreams at times. The other worst part? I am STILL SORE from my progesterone in oil shots. The bruising has all but vanished, but I still have a few knots and certain spots continue to be sore to the touch. To put it in perspective, my final shot was exactly one month ago as of tomorrow. See, these are the things they don’t warn you about. Not only will you have to do twice daily shots in the bum for about 8 weeks followed by uncomfortable progesterone suppositories three times a day for another two weeks, but you’re going to take a while to recover. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if I was expecting it, but geeze, still trying to rub my butt and the progesterone out a month later…. ug. I’m also still on my restrictions. They don’t want any risk of anything bad happening until I’m out of my first trimester when hopefully any hemmorhaging will have resolved. Now I just have to wait it out, which wouldn’t be a big issue if I were allowed to lift a vacuum. My house is a pit and here’s nothing I can do about it since I can’t carry anything and we own a split level. Sigh.
On a different note, we haven’t made any full announcements about being pregnant yet. I’m not going to lie, it’s been more fun telling people in person than it is to just post something on social media. At this point, I’ve told work, a handful of friends who have seen me in the past few weeks, and some very important people in my life who I couldn’t see in person. At the end of the month we are going to take a trip to visit my honorary third grandmother and we’re going to tell her in person as well. That should be a treat, hubs still hasn’t met her and she’s likely going to be overjoyed with happiness for us as that’s the kind of person she is. I think t also helps that she has known me since I was born. I miss and feel a sort of emptiness in not being able to share our pregnancy with any of my grandparents. I had a great aunt for a while (my paternal grandmothers sister) whom I was able to share the news that Marko and I were going to get married eventually, but she passed a few years ago- my last link to my grandparents time. Hubs’ one surviving grandmother already knows because my mother-in-law told her weeks ago. She lives out of the country and I don’t speak the language yet, so it’s not like I could have been the one to tell her anyway… but still. There are some things that I really wanted with this stage in our lives together and I have to piece together the parts that I can get.
Rant ahead. Feel free to stop reading if you don’t want to deal with all of my family drama. It needed to get out for my own well being, but it doesn’t mean you have to suffer through it either!
I don’t know how we’re going to tell my extended family on my mothers’ side though… the election this year all but destroyed their relationships and in so doing, ours with them as well. It’s an incredibly sad thought knowing that when I do have the baby I’m pretty sure my godparents will come to visit at some point but that will likely be it, all because my family can’t put their egos aside (all family included in that statement mind you). As if I didn’t have enough grief issues with getting pregnant in the first place. I suppose it’s true what they say, sometimes you have to make your own family. I do have plenty of people whom I consider to be as good as family, but it’s not quite the same. When you long for your family, your blood to be an active part of your life, not just around for funerals and somewhat around for weddings. To me, family should know what your dreams are, they should know what you’re struggling with, they should know what you’re proud of that week or month. It’s hard to know that every effort I’ve made to repair years of absence never worked. I can’t force my family to care or to want to be involved in my life, but I can cherish the family who DO call and try to stay involved. After all, as I’ve been taking the approach of telling people of our little Christmas delivery as I’ve interacted with them in person or by phone…. well, it’s easy to see who is actively involved in our lives and who sits on the side lines. I know it goes both ways, and someone might say “you have to make the effort” well unfortunately for the past many years- all of my adult life and a portion of my adolescence- I have been the only one making the effort and for others it’s been more of a convienence to either participate or not participate; in all of my adult years I haven’t been invited to one event with the exception being a cousins wedding, and I more or less convinced her to invite all of the family in so doing inviting myself. All I can say is my children will be surrounded by the people who want to be in their lives and they’ll know their aunts and uncles, and in turn their family won’t have to wonder what they’re up to because they’ll already know. We aren’t going to go years without speaking or wondering where they’re living or what kind of people they are. And as such, those are the people who know about our pregnancy. The ones who love us enough to be involved regardless of whether or not something big is happening. The ones who have known about, and even helped us through, our IVF journey. I’ve been pretty darn vocal about going through IVF with PGD, but have never once said anything about it on Facebook per hubs’ request; if someone still doesn’t know that we’ve been doing this and we’ve been suffering and in emotional and physical pain for pretty much over a year (two years if we’re real) (adding the time it took us to discover hubs having he BRAC2 gene, meeting with the genetic counselors, debating whether or not to do it, arguing, crying, and finally deciding to do it and then figuring out how the heck we would pay for it), then maybe they don’t need to be involved or to know we are having a baby. I don’t know. It’s a lot of jumbled thoughts and I wish this entire experience was different, but it’s not. People who I thought would never step up in a million years stepped up to support me, to support us. People who I thought would do anything found their limits and couldn’t help in some ways. Other people never even knew or reached out to ask how we’ve been, let alone what we’ve been up to in the past two years. Damnit IVF and pregnancy hormones, why do you make me go on long winded rants about things I can’t control that also make me feel terrible?
One day at a time right?
Tomorrow I turn 30 and wind down my 12th week of pregnancy. Tomorrow, hubs and I are spending money we don’t have to go to a really nice dinner downtown and to see Aladdin on broadway. Tomorrow I won’t think about the fact that life doesn’t always turn out how you want it to, or how you hope it will, or even how you need it to. Tomorrow I’ll smile and be in the moment, but for today.. well today I’ll be sad for now and will think about the people I miss who for one reason or another aren’t in our lives and the people who have gone too soon. Then I’ll get up and focus on the moment again and the fact that as it stands right now, we have a healthy, lime sized person growing inside me who hasn’t given up on us yet even through hemmorhaging. Someone I know I’ve done right by through all of the money and pain and anguish IVF has caused us over the past months. A child we will have given the best possible shot in life of hopefully avoiding the different cancers that took his/her paternal grandfather, maternal great grandmother, paternal great grandfather, and made their paternal grandmother suffer through. I can’t do anything about hubs carrying the gene except to love him and to try to keep him as healthy as possible; but we did what we could for our child and that’s what’s important. Strange to think what you’ll go through for a child before they’re even conceived. Then what you go through once they start to grow! God willing, everything will turn out fine, I need to keep focused on faith, trust, and all of the baby dust I can find.