I’m pretty sure that my PIO injection sites are going to be permanently sore probably for the rest of my life. What I’d like to know is what is the typical length of time of soreness and bruising for PIO shots. I mean honestly!? It’s not bad enough to have gone through all of the IVF in the first place, but to have this lingering soreness… not fun. In other news I’m officially on weight restrictions STILL until I get reassessed in another five weeks at our 20 week check up. Still no lifting anything heavier than a gallon of milk, no sex, no exercise, and no basically anything fun all because they could still see a large clot of blood in my uterus that concerns the docs. On the bright side, everything seems to be progressing normally and this week baby will be the size of a small Apple! The flip side is that I’m still exhausted, and easily exhaustible, all the time and I can feel my strength slowly slipping away since I am not allowed to do anything. I have a feeling getting back in shape after baby is born is going to be even more difficult than normal because of this weight restriction since week 6. I also have this pain that goes down my left leg on the side. I noticed (weirdly) that I’ve been comfortable sleeping Indian style with my legs which I believe has been doing weird things to my muscle. I’ve taken to stretching it out on the foam roller that I have which has helped some, but oh dear god! Between that and my injection sites I don’t know what to do with myself.
On a different note, I’ve been thinking quite a bit about our other future children and having to go through all of this a second or a third time. People who get pregnant naturally just don’t understand. Even hubs doesn’t quite get my hesitation at times. I was able to be brave and get through all of the poking and prodding and surgeries the first time…. but can I do it again? I started questioning my beliefs about this stupid breast cancer gene and whether it would be ok to be selfish and just try naturally and see what the universe has in store for us… and then I catch myself and think “how could you think of such a thing when doing that could result in serious harm to your future family!” And then I question whether my lifelong desire to have a large family with many children is really what I want. Because it is what I want, but will I do more IVF? Will I be able to be strong enough to do this again and again? Will we have the finances to do this so many more times? That’s where my questioning ends because I have no answers. Knowing what to expect, would I risk going someplace else since we’re moving only to find a place that isn’t as good for us? Or worse, find out that where we went in the first place wasn’t that good? So much anxiety about it all. Maybe it will all change once we have our little Christmas package at home and no longer pinching me in the bladder.
I also wonder about all of the typical stuff like, how will our labor and delivery go? Will I become preeclamptic? Will I need a csection? Will I suffer from postpartum depression? Or worse yet postpartum psychosis? Or will everything be fine? Will I be able to deliver naturally and without medication? Am I eating all of the right foods and staying away from anything with the potential to cause me to harm baby? <– that one has been a big one for me. So far (with one tiny exception a few days ago while on vacation for this phenomenal fig, prosciutto, goat cheese, arugula, and balsamic pizza in NY’s Little Italy) I have stayed away from all soft cheeses, deli meat, alcohol, second hand smoke, undercooked foods, mango, x-ray machines (oh god let me tell you, there is nothing worse than the anxiety of having to go through those stupid body scanners at the airport while pregnant. The evidence is inconclusive as to whether or not it harms a developing baby and with so many airports no longer accepting your request for a pat down instead.. well there goes your choice of protecting baby), I’ve even gone to great lengths being extra careful and holding onto railings while going up and down stairs. Yet I still worry about miscarrying and I still worry if I’m doing all of this right. I give people ample space because I’m terrified of somehow being hit in the stomach and somehow losing our Little Lentil, and yet logically I know how safe baby is in there right now. And yet the soreness on my injection sites reminds me of everything we went through, the time, the tears, and the god awful money involved to get to this point, and just how delicate keeping baby has become for us with all of my restrictions. Oh it doesn’t help that a family friend recently told me of her miscarriage years ago where she was told to be on weight restriction and didn’t listen and then miscarried. Yeah, no way I’m lifting a thing until I’m told I’m in the clear. Sigh. And I thought going through the IVF was going to be the hard part!